300 Things I am not allowed to do on Hogwarts
by ChaosGamer
Summary: This is compilation of humorous stories of my OC, Jack, as he does things he is not allowed to do in school. Each rule comes with a mini story. Companion story to Adventures of Procyon "Jack" Black.
1. Chapter 1

**1. I will not poke Hufflepuffs with spoons, nor will I insist that their House colors indicate that they are "covered in bees".**

...

Poke.

...

Poke.

...

Poke.

"Mind if I ask you why you are poking me with a spoon?" asked irritated Ernie.

Jack feigned innocence.

"Well, for one, you are Hufflepuff..."

Ernie sighed. "How many times do I have to tell you Jack, Hufflepuffs are not meant to be poked by a spoon?"

"I have to," Jack cried out. "Your house is covered in bees!"

Ernie did a double-take.

"Whaddya mean, our house is covered in bees!"

"Well, you house color is Black and Yellow!"

"Jack," asked another Hufflepuff sitting next to them testily, "Do you even know why our house covered in bees somehow makes it reasonable to poke us with spoons?"

Jack blinked, scratched his head. "You know now that I think about it, I don't have any idea why it would mean that y'all should be poked with spoons."

* * *

**2. No matter how good a fake Australian accent I can do, I will not imitate Steve Irwin.**

Jack slowly crept up to Buckbeak.

Clutching a ferret in one hand and camera in the other, he began to speak.

"G'day folks, I am here today to feed this legendary Hippogrif... his name is Buck- I, I mean WhiterWings. Now, when I first met this animal, and when I tried to go pet him, it was a huge, huge mistake. This guy jumped up, and tried to hit me, a deadly life or death situation.  
"Because when they strike it can be that quick that if they're within range, you're dead, you're dead in your tracks. And his head weighs more than my body so it's WHACK! Yeah, for some reason Hippogriffs have to cut me. That's their job. I don't know why that is. They've nearly torn my nose off. I've had some really bad Hippogrif injuries."

Harry came up the hill.

"Hey, Jack. Professor McGonagall is looking for you. They have some really angry Slytherin 7th years... You better come."

Jack sighed. And he was about to feed Buckbeak.

* * *

**3. Putting up Doug Henning posters in Filch's office is not appropriate.**

"Now, Jack. You know why you are here I assume?" Professor McGonagall's scowl was thunderous.

"Umm..." Jack tried to think of something he did today that got him into trouble. Putting beetles into one unsuspecting Slytherin's soup? Graffiting with red color on walls claiming that Chamber of Secretes was open again? Putting Doug Henning posters in Mr. Filch's office?

"Because... I put Doug Henning posters in Mr. Filch's office?"

"Correct." McGonagall grimaced. "You know how Mr. Filch feels about not being able to do magic."

"Well, I would have sympathy for him, if he did not have to be so hateful."

* * *

**4. I will not go to class skyclad.**

"You know, sometimes i don't believe you!" Professor McGonagall's face was red as ketchup. "I mean, going into History of Magic SKYCLAD!"

"Hey! I'm not that bad!" Jack protested. "And it's so boring in there, with him babbling of Goblin Massacres or something with that vacuum voice of his. I just tried to make things interesting!"

"Interesting? INTERESTING!" McGonagall's nose flared.

She sighed.

"You should be glad that you at least had some decency to wear undergarments Mr. Black, or the punishment would have been more severe."

* * *

**5. I will not use Umbridge's quill to write, "I told you I was hardcore".**

Professor Umbridge was humming in her detention room, inspecting DA members who were using Blood Quills to write lines for their punishment.

Ah yes. Things were going smoothly these days. Her becoming the Headmaster, DA secret group being discovered...

_Wait..._

She stood up.

"Mr. Black, may I see your hand?"

Jack nonchalantly stretched out his hand.

Umbridge's face turned violet.

"Extra week of detention Mr. Black. I hope that it will be enough."

People were struggling to see what he wrote in his hand.

It was written: "I told you I was hardcore."

* * *

**6. I will not insist the house elves serve fried snake to the Slytherins.**

Jack hummed rhapsody will heading up to the Painting with the Pear, carrying a bundle of packages with him. He had marvelous idea today. Simply Marvelous... Why hadn't he thought of this before?

Chuckling, he ticked the Pear in the painting, which promptly giggled, and swung open.

"Hello my dear elves!"

Instantly, Elves began to leave their work behind to meet their idol.

"Mr. Black! How are you today sir?" Dobby was thrilled to see him.

Jack smiled. "Fine, fine... I have some favor to ask you for."

"Anything for Mr. Black!"

He grinned. "At tonight's dinner, I wish that you guys and girls serve... fried snake to Slytherin's table."

He placed the package down on the floor.

"It's their delicacy."

Dobby nodded. "Yes sir, of course sir."

Jack cackled as he went back to his dorm. Ah, to see Slytherins' face when they are being served fried snakes...

oOo

"Hey, Draco?"

"What is it?"

"What is this stuff?" Goyle held up today's breakfast with his fork. "This stuff is bloody delicious!"

Draco narrowed his eyes, examining the food; his chewing slackened.

"You know, I have no idea... Though I agree, it does taste good." Draco turned to the side. "Oi, Blaise!"

"Hmm?"

"What is this food made out of?"

"...I think it is some sort of eel."

Draco glanced back at the food; indeed, it was long.

"Hey! Nott!" said boy raised his head. "Does any other house have the same food as we do?"

Standing up, Nott began craning his neck to observe other tables; they did not have the same food as they did.

"What seems to be the problem here?" said the cold voice behind them. Draco turned around to see Snape walking toward them.

"Professor Snape, we have no idea of what kind of food we are eating; we never have seen this before!"

Snape picked up a plate from the table and examined the food; in his over a decade of teaching he too never saw this food.

"Winky!"

The said elf appeared in front of Snape."

"Yes Professor Snape?"

"Might I ask what food this is?"

Winky brightened. "That would be fried snakes, sir!"

The whole table upon hearing Winky's words became silent.

Exactly 5 seconds later they began to retch and throw up everywhere on the table.

Snape grimaced. "And who told you that this was a good idea?"

Winky answered, surprise evident on her face. "Master Black, sir!"

"Black." Snape hissed between his bared teeth.

* * *

**7. If a classmate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that fact and draw a Dark Mark on their arm.**

Jack slowly waved his hands in front of Fred's face.

No response.

He waved again.

No response.

Jack smiled. It was time to prank the prankster.

Slowly, reaching into his robes, he took out Muggle Permanent Marker.

Ah, what wonderful things Muggles create these days.

Slowly, so that Professor Binns would not notice anything, he began to draw a skull with snake coming out of its mouth on side of the Fred's arm.

_30 minutes later_

Satisfied with the results, he stretched back and waited for the results.

"...and Goblins retaliated by Revolt of 1762. That will be enough for today."

Professor Binns went through the back board.

Fred yawned, and stretched his arm; this was his first mistake.

"Hey bro." George said, noticing his arm. "What's that in your arm?"

"Hmm?" Fred took a look, his face changing from apprehensiveness to horror.

Than he noticed Jack laughing.

"Very funny Jack..." Fred said, as he packed his things. "I'm telling McGonagall, you know..."

* * *

**8. House elves are not acceptable replacements for Bludgers.**

Oliver Wood looked hacked.

No, scratch that, he was furious.

No, scratch that, he was downright murderous.

"Someone in Slytherin team stole a pair of Bludgers we need to play today!" Oliver shouted. "They are going to cancel this match if they don't find it!"

"Hold on Oliver," Fred interrupted. "How do you know whether they stole them or not?"

"I just know." Oliver gritted his teeth.

Jack raised his eyebrows. He had to find a replacement Bludgers soon.

A light bulb turned on top of his head.

He turned it off.

"Hey Oliver, I got an idea..."

_30 minutes later..._

"Dobby?" Jack called out. "Oh, and Winky too!"

Two elves came to his attention.

"Yes sir?"

"Someone nicked the Bludgers and we can't play without them. If it is not asking much, I need you two to dress up as a Bludgers. I promise it won't hurt a bit; I'll be putting spells on it to ensure that you won't get hurt."

"Of course Mr. Black!"

_30 minutes later..._

"Wood! Wood!" Jack came running toward him. "I got some Bludgers!"

"You got some? Great job! Where did you find them?"

"Ask questions later! Let's go!"

The look on Slytherins' face was priceless when Fred and George triumphantly carried the balls to the stadium.

Overall, it had been a good idea. They beat Slytherins soundly by 180 to 40, and they were ahead for the Quidditch Cup.

Except for the fact that Hermione figured it out somehow by the end of the match, resulting in Jack being lectured by Hermione with pursed lips with a scowl.

* * *

**9. Starting a betting pool on the fate of this year's Defense Against Dark Arts teacher is tasteless and tacky, not a clever moneymaking concept.**

Hermione sighed as she shut the book. She couldn't take it any longer.

"Jack."

"Hmm?"

"You are not setting that pool up again, are you?"

"Why, yes I am."

Hermione rubbed her face.

"Jack, how many times do I have to tell you; starting a betting pool on the fate of this year's Defense Against Dark Arts teacher is tasteless and tacky, not a clever moneymaking concept."

"You only think that because you're not good a divination." Jack chuckled as he offered his betting hat to another student.

"It's not because of that, it's tasteless, crude, and not to mention rude to our new DADA teacher."

"Half of those DADA teachers tried to get our necks, Hermione."

Hermione shook her face and went back to her book.

* * *

**10. Seamus Finnegan is not "after me Lucky Charms".**

Jack yawned as he went into Morning Breakfast; that particular Quidditch Practice last night drained him.

He noticed that he was the last one to settle in for breakfast. His eyes were roaming around to seek where he could sit; until he discovered that the only seat available was next to Seamus Finnegan.

_Oh no_, he thought.

It was not that he had any particular hard feelings toward Seamus; it was just that every one day of the month they always served cereal.

Today they served Lucky Charms.

He slowly crept into the only available space, hoping that Seamus would not notice him.

Unfortunately, he did.

"Good Morning Jack." Seamus muttered as he poured milk into his bowl.

"Uh, hey Seamus." Jack replied uncomfortably as he slowly reached for his cereal.

_Please don't ask for the cereal, please don't ask for the cereal-_

"Hey Jack, can you pass that cereal you got? I'm kind of low on mine."

"AAAAHHHHHHHH! I KNEW IT! HEY EVERYBODY!" Jack went berserk, wildly flailing his arms. "THIS LUCKY CHARMS IS AFTER ME! WHAAAAAAAAAA!"


	2. Chapter 2

**11. Polishing my wand in the common room is acceptable. "Polishing my wand" in the common room is not.**

"Erm, Jack?" Hermione called out tentatively. "What are you doing?"

They were the only ones in the common room. Hermione was doing some extra reading, and Jack was doing... well something.

"Hmm? Oh, I'm polishing my wand." Jack replied.

"I see..." Hermione turned back to her book.

_Wait a minute..._

His back was turned.

He was holding something long near his crotch.

His hands were going up and down.

Hermione realized what he was doing.

"Jack!" Hermione shrieked, bright in the face. "That's so inappropriate!"

"What, what?" Jack asked, irritated. "I'm polishing my wand!"

Indeed, he was holding his polishing cloth in one hand, and his wand in the other.

Silence followed.

"Oh..." Hermione turned quickly back to her book.

She chastised herself for thinking such disturbing thoughts.

* * *

**12. I will not tye-dye all of the owls.**

It was midnight, and a figure was climbing up the steps to the Owlery. Jack smiled evilly as he opened the door. In his hands, he was holding 8 iron buckets filled with paint. Red, Gold, Blue, Bronze, Yellow, Black, Green, and Silver. He also had a large brush on side of his head.

Grinning, he took out the brush, and dipped it into the Red paint bucket.

He began to paint the Owls.

_8 hours later..._

The Morning Breakfast at the Great Hall went as usual. Students were chatting and eating when the Owls arrived. This was a normal routine, but students began to gape and point at the Owls. What they saw was a rainbow of colors ranging from Red to Green, represented by painted Owls.

Jack rose out of his seat and bowed as they clapped.

* * *

**13. I will stop insisting that I made Love Potion Number Nine.**

"The instructions on how to make Forgetfulness Potion is on the board- yes, Mr. Black?" Asked Snape through clenched teeth.

"Yes, sir, I have a question. When are we going to learn when to make Love Potion Number Nine?"

Being a half-blood, Snape immediately made connections to the muggle world with his question.

"Mr. Black," Snape replied, "There was none, and there will never be, a Love Potion Number Nine."

"But there is!" Jack protested. "I read the recipe in the Library, and I made one myself!" He took out a vial filled with magenta liquid.

Snape slammed his hands on his desk. "Mr. Black, I have no time nor patience to deal with your shinnanigans. I will not let you interrupt my class with some water filled with food coloring."

That was his mistake.

"Oh? Oh? Some water filled with coloring? You think so?" Jack shouted his chin up, his eyes narrowing; he drank the vial whole. His eyes widening, he began to cough. Hermione rushed in to help.

Her first mistake.

As soon as he saw Hermione, he tackled her to the ground, capturing her lips.

Hermione resisted until the potion went into her mouth as well.

The whole class was silent, watching two people eating each other.

* * *

**14. I am not allowed to make light saber sounds with my wand.**

Zing.

Zing.

Zing.

Harry, irritated turned from his book to face Jack.

"Will you stop that noise?"

"Why? It sounds cool." Jack replied.

Ever since Justin introduced Jack to Star Wars, he had been making Star War references non-stop.

"I am trying to study for the Quiz tomorrow!. Some people actually have to study you know!"

"Oh, you actually need to study?" Jack asked, amused.

"Well, shame." Jack continued to swing his wand making noises.

Harry gritted his teeth.

* * *

**15. I will not start every Potions class by asking Professor Snape if today's project is suitable for use as a sexual lubricant.**

"This year's exams will include the making of this potion- yes, Mr. Black?" asked Snape, baring his teeth.

He suddenly had a sensation of deja vu.

"Yes sir. I have a question. Will this potion be suitable for sexual lubricant?"

The whole class went silent.

"I will not tolerate any more of your nonsense Mr. Black. Report straight to-"

"Oh come on, Snape. I know you're digging it." interrupted Jack, wiggling his eyebrows.

Snape's expression turned from being ballistic to ones of horror.

Nest day, rumors were going around saying that Snape was gay.

* * *

**16. I will not write all my essays in red ink claiming it is blood.**

Professor Vector frowned as she picked up Jack's essay. It was written with some kind of red ink.

"Jack?" Professor Vector called out. "Will you come here please?"

Jack came up, looking apprehensive.

"Why is this essay in red?" asked Vector, holding up his work.

"Uh, yeah, about that..."

"Yes, go on."

"I wrote that essay with my blood, you see."

Professor Vector stared at him with horror.

"Prey tell me," asked Prof. Vector, after few seconds of silence. "What was the reason for this?"

"Well, you see, I ran out of ink."

"You ran out of ink... Why couldn't you borrow somebody else's?"

"Well, they were all at Hogsmead you see."

"Hogsmead?"

"Yes, it was Saturday. I wanted to finish my essay before wasting my time." Jack grinned sheepishly. "Oh, also I concocted Blood-Replenishing Potion for myself, so no harm done."

"I see..." Prof, Vector looked at the parchment, than to Jack. "You know that I have to give a punishment for this."

Jack's face fell.

* * *

**17. Building a giant model of the moon made entirely of cheese is not an acceptable extra-credit assignment.**

Professor Sinistra was humming as she strolled to her classroom.

A foul stench worked its way of to her corridor.

Her forehead creasing, she pinched her nose and hurried into her classroom; It was then that she found out that the source of the disgusting smell was her classroom.

Or, more precisely, her desk. On her desk stood 5 feet diameter sphere made out of Swiss Cheese that was painted grey. There was a note attached:

**Hey Professor, this is the extra credit you requested; a visual aid for one of the Jupiter's moon.**

**Hope you like it.**

**Jack Black.**

"Like an uncle, like a nephew." Professor muttered as she wrote a note to Professor McGonagall.

* * *

**18. I will not bring a Magic Eight Ball to Divination class.**

"The recordings of your dream diary..."

Jack yawned as he listened to Professor Trelawney's lecture. Why did he apply for this class anyway? Why did Dumbledore allow this class to go on? He did not understand.

Still, in the boundaries of his memory, a faint nag told him that he was forgetting something... But what?

...

Ah! He remembered. He reached into his bag and took out a Magic 8 Ball.

"...You will be using your Crystal Ball for your dream interpretation. Begin."

"Alright, don't fail me now..." He muttered, shaking the ball.

"Is Professor Trelawney a fraud?"

**Outlook good.**

"Ohh... this one is accurate." He grinned, shaking the ball again.

"Will Severus Snape die of painful death?"

**Better not tell you now.**

"Ouch... I feel sorry for him..." He shook the ball again.

"Will Harry Potter have many children?"

**Without a doubt.**

"Lucky guy..." Jack chuckled. He shook the ball again.

"Will I get away with using this?"

**Very doubtful.**

"Egad." Jack muttered, than a shadow fell on him.

"Just what do you think you are doing?" Prof. Trelawney was standing over him, arms on her hips. Her usual dreamy voice was gone.

"Umm... Revolutionizing the process of Dream interpreting?" Jack replied sheepishly.

Professor Trelawney began to write a note to Professor McGonagall.

* * *

**19. I am not allowed out of my dorm when visitors from the Ministry are here.**

"Jack, will you come over here please?" Professor McGonagall called out after Morning Breakfast.

Jack came up puzzled. Did he do something?

"What did I do now professor?"

"It's nothing; I just needed to talk to you."

Professor McGonagall led him to the Gryffindor Boy's Dormitory.

"In you go."

Jack went inside.

Immediately, the door closed.

"Wait, what is the meaning of this?" Jack yelled.

"I'm sorry Jack, but Ministry visitors are coming here today." came McGonagall's muffled voice through the door. "Think of it this way Jack; no lessons today!"

Jack shook his head. Oh, sometimes he pondered why his Professors were so naive.

Reaching for his trunk, he took out an object from his trunk.

_Perfect Payback,_ he thought. _I'll eavesdrop on this meeting using Disillusionment Charm._

"Portus." He whispered.

* * *

**20. The Ravenclaws are not "Mentals in training".**

"Let me get this straight." Professor McGonagal's nose was flaring. "You somehow - somehow - enchanted the Ravenclaw Entrance to ask the question, "What is a Ravenclaw?"

"Yes." Jack replied innocently.

"And you picked the answer as "Mentals in training!"

"Yes."

Prof. McGonagall sighed.

"Do you know how many Ravenclaw students were standing at their entrance, throwing whatever answers they thought of, until Professor Flitwick came by?"

"Umm... 3 hours?"

"Surprisingly accurate." McGonagall muttered.


	3. AN

Hey guys; its ChaosGamer.

Most of you really want me to update my story, I know. But some time after finishing my companion fanfic Jack Black and Stoned Sorcerers and updating this to chapter 2, I sort of gotten addicted to Percy Jackson, something which I never would have expected, because PJ ended up being one of those stories where you look in contempt before you begin to actually read them.

So, yeah, I spent major time writing fanfic for them instead. And I somehow lost the list of 300 things by accident. I looked all over my hard-drive lately; It just vanished into chunks.

Until I gather random rules and refine them back to 300 rules I had originally(something which will be much harder than at first because I am very impatient and I absolutely hate going back to square one - my #1 pet peeve-) so it will take some time, yes.

But the only reason I decided to think about continuing this story is because of **you**. Yes you.

Reviews are better than upvote, karma or reddit gold in any day. It shows that other people appreciate what you wrote. I understand how you can absolutely love a story and not write a single review or fav or follow that story, I have been there in the early days of fanfic; I discovered this site when I searched for Yu-Gi-Oh stories, and I was flabbergasted when I found out there was a site dedicated to writing fanfics, because that was what I have been wanting to do since childhood and I was really worried about copyright (yeah, I knew and stressed over about copyright before I went to middle school. Cray.) and I found tons of stories that I adored and read everyday, and yet did not follow, fav or review, simply because I didn't know well back than.

But there are reviews dedicated to this story, small as it might be, but I made a promise to myself that as long as at least one person reads and likes my story, I will continue it, someday. And that includes this one.

It will take some time, but I will. Thanks for reading this.


End file.
